Lesson in Linguistics and Corporate Communications

Grubby Sachs Inc.

GSI, a Surreal Stock Exchange Company

MEMO: GSI To Achieve new Heights in Corporate Communication Benchmarks

TO: All Employees
FROM: Executive Management & the Board of Directors
DATE: Today
SUBJECT: New Corporate Communication Standards

It was brought to Management’s attention, about four years ago, that individuals throughout the company were constantly using four, six, and eight-letter words during the course of normal, everyday conversation with other employees. Management received numerous complaints from our more sensitive employees, who were offended.  Management takes all such issues extremely seriously, and after exhaustive deliberations Management and GSI Board of Directors settled on a course of action – about three years ago, GSI retained the services of McKorrupt Inc., a Global Leader in ‘Corporate Strategic Advisory & Consulting Services’.

Under the careful and capable hands of McKorrupt’s Managing Partner, Mr. Rajat GoPata-RajaRathnam, a vast team of McKorrupt consultants have scoured every corner of GSI Inc., and McKorrupt’s vast network of corporations around the world, to study and evaluate this linguistic phenomena.  During the course of their investigations, GoPata-RajaRathnam and his lieutenant Mr. Anil Kumara-Korruptum have personally led workshops and interviews across the Boards.  At times, these interviews have been conducted telephonically, and at short notice.

About a year ago, GoPata-RajaRathnam presented his discoveries to the GSI Board.  After careful deliberations and evaluation, GSI Management & Board adopted resolution “Prosperity Forever” (PF).  This resolution authorizes the use of all legal, or borderline legal, and barely legal means to GSI’s and to ‘your’ prosperity.  Resolution PF amends and expands GSI resolution “Lets Get Rich” (LGT), circa 1890.  Specifically, resolution PF prohibits all words used in effective communication, regardless of letter count, that sound like F*&%^%$, Sh*#, As%, MotherF*&^%$, F#%*!^%Government, Insider%$#*&^!, etc.

Nevertheless Management realizes the critical needs of our employees being able to successfully express and convey views and information.  GSI is a knowledge based enterprise, and Information – of all kinds - is our lifeline. Therefore, and per the LGT resolution, as amended, Management hereby adopts the McKorrupt report in its entirety, effective immediately.  In addition, and to recognize the immense contributions of Gopata-RajaRathnam in furthering GSI’s cause, Management appoints GoPata-RajaRathnam to GSI Board, effective immediately.  As a recognition for his services, Kumara-Korruptum is appointed Senior Investment Advisor to GSI CEO.

Effective Immediately, the following phrases and expression will be replaced with their counterpart ‘Recommend Phrase’, per the McKorrupt report.  For a full listing of such phrases, and their corresponding translations please visit GSI intranet site //LGT.Amended.Into.PF.GSI

Management will no longer tolerate the old communication protocols.  Anyone employee found in violation of resolution PF will be subject to immediate termination.

Please read or post where appropriate. Employees are reminded to watch their mother*&%$^#@ mouths because all our calls are being RECORDED.

Old Expression = New Expression

No fucking way! = I'm certain that's not feasible

You've got to be shitting me = Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck  = Perhaps you should check with...

Ask me if I give a fuck = Of course I'm concerned.

It's not my fucking problem = I wasn't involved with that project.

What the fuck? = Interesting.

Fuck it, it won't work = I'm not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? = I'll try to schedule that.

When the fuck do you expect me to do this? = Perhaps I can work late.

Who the fuck gives a rats ass?  = Are you sure this is a problem?

He's get his head up his ass =  He's not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit! = You don't say.

Eat shit and die = Excuse me?

Eat shit and die motherfucker = Excuse me Sir/Madam?

What the fuck do they want from my life? = They weren't happy with it?

Kiss my ass = So you'd like my help with it?

Fuck it, I'm on a salary = I don't think you understand.

Shove it up your ass = I love a "challenge".

Who the fuck died and made you god? =  You want me to take care of this?

Blow me = I see.

Blow yourself = Do you see?

Go and fuck yourself = Why don't you try your hand at it.

Another fucking meeting? = Yes, we really should discuss this

I really don't give a shit = I don't think it will be a problem.

He's a fucking prick = He's somewhat insensitive.

She's a ball-breaking bitch = She's an aggressive go-getter.

You don't know what the fuck you're doing = I think you could use more training.

This place is all fucked up = We're a little disorganized.

Management Sucks! = Management is responsible for very important things

Time to Get the Fuck Outta Here! = I am considering alternative solutions

We need motherfucker with inside information! = Lets us Retain some consultants

You are Fucking breaking the Law! = Maybe there is a better way

Trading on Insider Information is Fucking Illegal! = I don’t wanna know, AND

My personal favorite:

We are Fucked! = Let us pay a fine, and settle this, or else We are Fucked!