I have often marveled at women’s abilities to redefine conventional wisdom, to defy accepted logic, and, in general, turn life on its head, as often as it pleases them. They are unpredictable, and often unreasonable, but – they are always right. Women seldom lose any argument, particularly those that are not settled on the day the argument arises. Most arguments have a half life of at least 10 years.
Students, and Researchers, across Medical Sciences – specifically those dedicated to understanding the functional area, and limits, of the human brain have concluded that the female brain posits a paradox - Women have an extremely keen, and highly developed functional area of the human brain – the hippocampus and the cortex, that transfer and store longer term memories. Researchers also found, that the female brain has a curiously underdeveloped pre-frontal lobe, where short term memories are formed, yet a hippocampus that, boasts of an efficiency coefficient of 1.00.
For the un-initiated, what that means is that women forget/do not remember/claim not to remember ‘things’ that happen in the recent, as in today or yesterday, shortly after the ‘thing’ happens. Yet, they can tell you everything about all the things you did, in vivid detail, 10 years after it happened (THE CORTEX). Never-mind, that such old ‘events’, and ‘things’, may actually never have happened.
Even without an MD, or MBBS (Med School Diploma), I refute science’s claims about the highly developed and efficient female memory transfer organ – the hippocampus. I believe the female hippocampus is a law unto itself, and has been programmed with several ‘coding bugs’ (come on BIG GUY, stop the outsourcing to Ukraine!) : (A) It has a flawed ‘translation’ engine, (B) Its Kalman-Filters are tuned for selective transmission frequencies, to reject all ‘noise’ that is not autogenic, and (C) Its Main Bus Cooling engines were installed with defective ball bearings, leading to frequent overheating, and occasional system shutdowns. There, I have combined the knowledge base of Compute Sciences, Electrical and Mechanical Engineering. How can one refute such a powerful source of reasoning? To my friends from Chemical, Agricultural, Aeronautical, Telecommunications, Industrial, etc., Engineering disciplines – I never took any courses across your subjects, so you are on your own on this one. You can, however, add to the merits of the overall Engineering argument by posting comments.
Truth-be-told however, Engineering is but a derivative of Physics – the basic science. I did not want to touch upon Chemistry here because then I would have to delve into Organic Chemistry, and that would risk a lot of readers falling asleep. And, I did not want to touch Mathematics, even with a 10 foot pole, since I am still trying to figure out Legendre and Bessel functions (J1/2(x))? WTF?). So, I turned to Physics to explain women.
What I discovered is stunning – women break/violate most Laws of Physics, in all 3 – Newtonian, Quantum, and Relativistic worlds! Being more than a fair person, I also decided to check upon some ‘Other-Laws’. To my utter shock, and surprise, women seem to follow, and conform, to a lot of the Other-Laws.
So, I present a list of my discoveries in Physics, and Non-Physics related laws, to date. Since fundamental research is never truly finished, and since a man’s work is never truly done, I promise to add to this – based on further investigations, and by absorbing wisdom from all the like minded voices that may be compelled to post a response. To add one final disclaimer – Cranky posts will not be considered by ‘Management’. All those, based in reason, logic, and science will receive due consideration.
Laws of Physics that Do Not Apply to Women
[examples of violations are not provided for obvious reasons; quantum and relativistic citations are in process]
· Newton’s FIRST Law
Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.
· Newton’s SECOND Law
The relationship between an object's mass ‘m’, its acceleration ‘a’, and the resulting force ‘F’ is F = ma.
· Newton’s THIRD Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
[note to self, insert more here]
Laws of Non-Physics that Do Apply To Women
Murphy's Laws
General / of Life
- If anything can go wrong, it will
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong
- If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
- If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
- Mother nature is a bitch
Murphy's Law of
Thermo-Dynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
Philosophy: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization: Everything goes wrong all at once.
Constants: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Research: Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.
Being Right: In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
Problem Solving: Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
Getting Ready: Everything takes longer than you think.
Sequencing: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Solutions: Every solution breeds new problems.
Buttering: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Gravity: A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
Finding Things: It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but never discovered on the first attempt.
Location: You have to look where you lost it.
Repeating: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
Management: When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
Golden Rule: Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Winning Arguments: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Punishment: No good deed goes unpunished.
Un-Certainty Principle: The better you know the amount of ill luck that will strike you,
the worse you know when this will happen
the worse you know when this will happen
Relativity: Regardless of your frame of reference, things will go wrong anyway.
Desire: If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.
Rock-Bottom: Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.
Remembering: Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.
Hope: When you see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in.
Choices: Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.
Murphy’s Laws: Knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation.
Transitions: Things always go from bad to worse.
Last Law: Cheer up, the worst is yet to come...
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