Mother India


India has come a long way since I left in 1991. Liberalization of the license Raj, a legacy left behind by the Colonial rule of 200+ years, alongside a systematic deconstruction of Nehru's decision to be a State dominated republic, and the incredible resourcefulness and hard-work of Indians have contributed to the stunning economic growth. Rising tides lift many boats, and is also true in India. The economy has created an enormous swath of hungry consumers, with pockets that can afford even prices that will shock many in the Western Worlds. A 3BR apartment (or flat) that costs USD 1,000,000 is not uncommon in metro areas. Given its continuing growth, and despite the global financial crisis, property values did not suffer as much (as in the US, for example). I have seen projections that call for India becoming the 2nd largest global economy, in 30 to 40 years. At that horizon, arguing about the potential rank does not have a definitive answer. To be candid, it really does not matter wether its #1 or #2. Well done folks, well done.

I am a US Citizen now, and have been one for many years. This does not, in any way, diminish my sense of pride. Most of my family is still in India, and my heritage gives me a unique perspective. I love India as much as I love the US.

Despite the astronomical leap of economic progress, or perhaps because of this very phenomenon, there are deeply rooted social issues that have not changed much, if at all. What follows is NOT a sweeping indictment of the nation, or of every man in India. Please do not slam me with hostile fire, for this commentary is not aimed at anyone. It is based on my observations.

Amidst all the glamor, glitter and boom time success stories, the singularity that stands out is how poorly Indian women continue to be treated.

While some Indian women have also achieved very high educational, professional and economic success, many (and in my mind even 1 is one too many) are regularly abused at home, or at work by a man - a boss, a brother, a father, a husband, or a son. Abuse comes in many shades, physical and emotional being the foremost forms. Some have a support network, and are able to walk away. Others do not, or can not. So, thousands of women suffer in silent agony each day, resigned to their fate. Or, waiting for the day they can walk away. At times that fate is paying 'the ultimate' price.

No one likes to talk about 'dark' issues. We have a propensity to bottle up, and not acknowledge that which is ugly in our lives. We want to pretend all is well when it is not. This is what we tend to do - compartmentalize.

I doubt India will ever achieve true greatness, until it faces the plight of its women. As a nation. Laws that provide protection to women exist, but we know that parliamentary (congressional) dictate, in it of itself, is acutely incapable of social reform. That has to come from within, one household at a time.

I long for the day. Always have, and will continue to do so. I have hope.

PS - I am all too familiar with violence against women in America. It is flagrant. And, it is rampant. It is a shame, and neither forgiven, nor ignored. I am also aware of the flip side of this coin, where men are the abused in a relationship. Regardless, real men do not abuse the women in their lives. Cowards do.

Gas Prices

In a past life I spent some time trading derivatives on Wall Street. It was a highly lucrative, and a very eye opening experience. Wall Street was meant to help companies raise funds, go public through IPOs, and help us John Qs with our investments and retirements. Over time, that business model expanded into a few higher margin areas - mortgage securitization, risk management, aka hedging risk, proprietary trading, private equity investing, and prime brokerage services.

We are all to aware of how the Securitization business wreaked havoc - the US housing and financial crisis - personal bankruptcies, foreclosures, blighted communities , among its side-effects (makes securitization look like was a dangerous, new social Rx medicine). But Wall Street's lust for originating, buying, and securitizing low documentation, low documentation, no income proof - collectively known as Liar Loans - into Mortgage Backed Securities, and selling them around the world also led to Wall Street being (temporarily) brought to its knees.

As mortgage payment default rates soared, starting mid 2006, greed kept the Street from paying attention. Fraught with inertia, and the propensity to worship money making, Wall Street kept amassing raw inventory of "Alt-A" liar loans, until our marked to market regime blew the cover off the House. Among the many high profile people, and investment banks, that lost the shirt off their backs were several bank CEOs, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Wachovia Bank, Washington Mutual Bank, and Merrill Lynch. All were iconic companies in the US. Gone, over a period of 12 months. 100s of billions of Dollars of shareholder capital lost. 10s of thousands of low and mid level jobs lost (I have no sympathy for the highly paid superstars of Wall Street who lost their jobs too).

The attentive reader may, by now, be thinking that this rant has nothing to do with Gas Prices! It does. I just have a fondness for the scenic route.

Prop Trading, as in trading for the House, on Wall Street is very large. There are no sane, internal leverage limits for money spinning businesses. Prop traders can take extremely large positions (buy and sell) in anything they want. Prop trading is pure speculation at its core (I wanted to say heart, but they don't have one).

Prime Brokerage was meant to settle and clear trades for independent traders. Then, Hedge Funds got involved, and Wall Street was more than happy to provide the leverage and liquidity to Hedge Funds. Most hedge funds are pure speculators. Some readers may remember the spectacular demise of LTCM (Long Term Capital Management), in 1997, which was the largest hedge fund of its time. Ironic how short the Long Term was. John Merriwether, and his band of traders at LTCM, including the Nobel Laureate Myron Scholes (of the Black-Scholes option pricing model fame), leveraged their fund in excess of 100:1 ($100 of borrowed money, for each $ of capital) to bet on World Convergence. Then, Russia defaulted on its debt obligations, and that default set off a chain reaction of World Divergence that blew LTCM out of the world!

Starting in the mid 2000s, economists and researchers started predicting a major future shortage in global oil supply. A large factor in these projections - the astonishing and continuing growth in Brazil, Russia, India, and China (the BRIC group). Wall Street Prop Traders and Hedge Funds pounced on this as an opportunity to make a lot of money for themselves. The logic actually may have some merit.

Hedge Funds do not disclose their holdings of crude oil, or the size of the open positions in the crude futures prices. Investment Banks do, but in a convoluted manner, buried on page 900 something of their annual disclosure filings. The obfuscation is startling.

It has been reported, elsewhere, that Wall Street owns several hundred million barrels of crude oil, sitting in tankers off the US coast. One report I saw claimed 120 million barrels. That would roughly be 4 days of US's total consumption of oil.

Found an interesting graphic to make my case: http://goo.gl/MyDWC

It shows that crude oil prices collapsed, starting in September 2008. Remember that the weekend of 9/15/2008 was when Lehman Brother failed, and Merrill Lynch was forced into the arms of Bank of America. Within 3 months, gas prices hit $1.60 per gallon in the US. The Bush (junior) Administration bailed out our dear Investment Banks in October 2008.

See a trend in gas prices since then? It is not a coincidence. The cost of producing a barrel of gas has not risen by 100% in the last 4 years. It is Wall Street that is back at its GAME - pump (pun unintended) and dump. In their Prop books, and alongside their Hedge Fund customers!

With unemployment in the high 8%s, and stagnant relative incomes, the John Qs of America are being taken to the cleaners. By Wall Street. And our Congress, including the Administration can do NOTHING about it. Frank Dodd Act, and CFTC's amended powers could have put the brakes on such naked speculative hoarding and trading, BUT the Republican controlled House has effectively blocked Frank Dodd Act, and may infact entirely repeal it. The CFTC meanwhile had its budget severly cut, so the amended powers to monitor and regulate oil speculators was dead on arrival.

America's next NIGHTMARE - Romney @ 1600, combined with John Boehner as Speaker of the House, and a GOP majority, or a close tie in the Senate. If that happens, we are all SCREWED.

About Rudy

Yesterday, 'America's Mayor', aka Rudy Giuliani endorsed Mitt Romney for President.

Forget about the GOP primary debates leading up to the 2008 Presidential elections, and the fact that both sides took nasty swipes at each other then. No matter, that back then, Giuliani dropped out of the race and endorsed the eventual GOP nominee John McCain.
...
Its irrelevant, that In January 2012, Giuliani said "Romney will say anything to become President of United States." He added during an interview: “I’ve never seen a guy change his positions on so many things, so fast, on a dime, on everything. Pro-choice, pro-life. …Then he was pro cap-and-trade. Now he’s against cap-and-trade. He was pro-(health care) mandate for the whole country, then he becomes anti-mandate, and he takes that page out of his book and republishes the book. I could go on and on.”

Today, Giuliani said "Romney has won, fair and square." When asked about polls showing Romney has a "likability" problem (is not likable), Giuliani put the dagger in to his new friend:

"This reminds me of going to a surgeon. If I've got a terrible cancer or something to be operated on -- when I had to be operated on for prostate cancer -- I didn't go to the nicest doctor, I went to the best doctor. The guy could have a great personality and tell great jokes and put the knife in the wrong way."

Let me see if I got this right - Giuliani was endorsing Romney for the Presidency of the United States. And, in this analogy President Obama is the 'nicest doctor', with Romney being the 'best doctor'. The US Presidency is about our country's fate, and its future. Is Giuliani then suggesting United States is the prostate cancer?

Call me slow, but this felt like reluctant dealmaking rather than an endorsement for anything.

Oh, and Mr. Giuliani, you'd be well advised to avoid any metaphors related to cancer, of the prostate, or otherwise. Be a little less of a narcissist.

Of Mice, and Men

Who is Scott C. Harvard

According to the FHLB Atlanta website Scott C. Harvard is the Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Federal Home Loan Bank of Atlanta - http://goo.gl/oiG8G.  The bank does not post Board member biographies on its site, so one has to visit SEC EDGAR to check the bank's SEC filings.  I selected the bank’s most recent 10-K, or Annual Report, filed with the SEC - http://goo.gl/QJjqR.

If you are on the SEC site, scroll down to "Table of Contents" and click through the 'Directors and Executive Officers Link".  In this section of their 10-k, the bank explains:

"Finance Agency regulations require that a member directorship be held only by an officer or director of a member institution that is located within the Bank’s district and that meets all minimum capital requirements established by its appropriate federal banking agency or appropriate state regulator and that is a member as of the record date. The regulations permit, but do not require, the board of directors to conduct an annual assessment of the skills and experience possessed by the members of its board of directors as a whole and to determine whether the capabilities of the board would be enhanced through the addition of individuals with particular skills and experience. The Bank may identify those qualifications and so inform the members as part of its election notification process; however, the Bank may not exclude a nominee from the election ballot on the basis of those qualifications so identified. For the 2010 elections, the board of directors did not identify any particular qualifications as part of its election notification process.

Finance Agency regulations require that an independent directorship be held only by an individual who is a bona fide resident of the Bank’s district, who is not a director, officer, or employee of a member institution or of any recipient of advances from the Bank, and who is not an officer of any FHLBank. Finance Agency regulations further require that a public interest independent director have more than four years’ experience representing consumer or community interests in banking services, credit needs, housing or consumer financial protection. An independent director other than a public interest director must have either four years’ experience representing consumer or community interests in the foregoing areas or have experience in, or knowledge of, one or more of the following areas: auditing and accounting, derivatives, financial management, organizational management, project development, risk management practices, and the law.

The Bank has determined that all member directors meet the regulatory eligibility requirements [emphasis added] and, based on the specific experience, qualifications, attributes or skills described in the biographical paragraphs provided below, that each independent director is qualified to serve as an independent director for the Bank. "

Immediately below this verbiage, is a listing of the board members: Scott C. Harvard, 53, Term Ending - 12/31/12.  Director since - 2003

And following this table is a brief bio:

"Chairman of the board, Scott C. Harvard, has served as vice president of Virginia Savings Bank, F.S.B. since June 2009 [emphasis added].  Previously, he served as president and chief executive officer and as a director of Shore Bank from 1985 to June 2009. He served as president and chief executive officer of its parent, Shore Financial Corporation, from 1997 to 2008. Mr. Harvard served as a director and an executive vice president of Hampton Roads Bankshares from June 2008 to June 2009. Mr. Harvard has served as chairman of the board of the Bank since 2007. Mr. Harvard has expertise in community banking and corporate governance."

Further down, on page 169, the 10-K reads:

"The FHLBank Act provides that each FHLBank may pay its directors reasonable compensation for the time required of them, and their necessary expenses, in the performance of their duties, subject to approval by the Director. In accordance with the FHLBank Act, the Bank has adopted a policy governing the compensation and travel expense reimbursement provided to its directors. Under this policy, directors receive fees paid for attendance at each meeting of the board of directors, meeting of a committee of the board of directors, or certain official Bank-related events. These fees are subject to the annual caps established under the policy. Directors do not receive separate retainers.

Directors are reimbursed for reasonable Bank-related travel expenses associated with meeting attendance in accordance with Bank policy. Total expenses paid under that policy in 2010 were $73,011. In specified instances, the Bank may reimburse a director for the transportation and other ordinary travel expenses of the director’s guest.”

During 2010, Scott C. Harvard, the chairman of the board of directors, received fees of between $4,600 per meeting, for chairing a meeting of the board of directors, to $500 per meeting, for attending a telephonic meeting of a board committee, subject to an annual cap of $60,000.

The table following shows that Scott Harvard received $60,000 for his services to the bank, during 2010.

Now to the Heart of the Matter:

Scott Harvard was President and CEO of Shore Bank, from 1985 until June 2009.  Shore Bank was sold to Hampton Road Bankshares, the holding company for Bank of Hampton Road, in May 2008.  Hampton Roads paid $22/share of Shore Bank, with an alternative options + cash route as an alternative.  On June 10, 2008, Harvard was Hampton Roads increased its board membership by 3, to 13, to accommodate Harvard and 2 other directors of Shore.  Also on June 10, 2008, Harvard was appointed Executive Vice President of Hampton’s Shore Operations. On September 23, 2008, Hampton Roads acquired Gateway Financial Holdings, parent of Gateway Bank & Trust Co.  Pursuant to the merger agreement, Gateway Financial was required to raise between $20,000,000 and $35,000,000 by September 29, and become well capitalized.  Hampton Roads also agreed to “lend on its own behalf, or behalf of Hampton Roads bank and Shore Bank”, $31,000,000 to Gateway Financial.

[I can’t believe this got the SEC & regulatory nod for that]

In November 2008, Harvard was re-elected to the FHLB Atlanta board.  Harvard was also a Director and Officer at Hampton Roads.  On June 24, 2009, Harvard served his notice of intent, to resign from the Hampton board, and from his officer responsibilities.  On June 26, 2009, Steven Belote, formerly CFO at Shore Bank was appointed CEO of Shore Bank.  On July 14, 2009, Hampton Road appointed John Davies as its new CEO.  On August 3, 2009, Hampton Road announced a quarterly net loss of $52 million before tax claw-back provisions.  On August 24, 2009, Harvard resigned from the Hampton Road board.

That’s Enough about Hampton Road.  It is not relevant to rest of the narrative.

Harvard has a LinkedIn Profile page: http://goo.gl/BdHln.  Notice, that on his professional profile, Harvard lists 2 associations – (1) Harvard Resources, and (2) FHLB Atlanta.  I was unable to find a website for Harvard Resources.  Not an issue, it could be Harvard’s privately owned baby.  

Upon checking with the VA Secretary of State’s site - http://goo.gl/QHiwL, “Harvard Resources” is not registered with the state of VA in any form.  Not a problem, it is possible the LinkedIn listing is a gimmick.

Harvard is listed, on the FHLB Atlanta 10-K, as a Vice President of the Virginia Savings Bank, Front Royal, VA.  That is the basis for his qualification to run for election, and to stay on the board of directors.

Shore Bank, Onley VA, according to Google Maps is 250 miles from Front Royal.  Norfolk, VA, which is listed as Harvard’s LinkedIn location, is 212 miles from Front Royal.  The Virginia savings bank does not have an office in either Onley, or in Norfolk, VA.

No problem, Harvard could be a ‘remote’ employee.

The author has reached out directly to the executive offices of Virginia Savings Bank, Front Royal, VA.  In order to protect the innocent, a ‘live’ person/employee of this bank informed the author, that “as far as I know, Harvard is not an employee of the bank.”

Stunning!

To be fair, I have left voice mails for both the CEO, and the CFO (twice) of the bank.  No return calls yet.

This has been a very long post.  It needed to be.  I will remind readers of the Federal Housing Finance Agency’s regulations once more: “Finance Agency regulations require that a member directorship be held only by an officer or director of a member institution that is located within the Bank’s district and that meets all minimum capital requirements established by its appropriate federal banking agency or appropriate state regulator and that is a member as of the record date.”

Readers can form their own opinion as to what is going on.  I merely report the facts.

Of course, Harvard is free to join the group, and to post a response.  Nothing will be censored.

Good Night, and Good Luck

Women, Laws of Physics, and Other Laws

I have often marveled at women’s abilities to redefine conventional wisdom, to defy accepted logic, and, in general, turn life on its head, as often as it pleases them.  They are unpredictable, and often unreasonable, but – they are always right.  Women seldom lose any argument, particularly those that are not settled on the day the argument arises.  Most arguments have a half life of at least 10 years. 

Students, and Researchers, across Medical Sciences – specifically those dedicated to understanding the functional area, and limits, of the human brain have concluded that the female brain posits a paradox -   Women have an extremely keen, and highly developed functional area of the human brain – the hippocampus and the cortex, that transfer and store longer term memories.  Researchers also found, that the female brain has a curiously underdeveloped pre-frontal lobe, where short term memories are formed, yet a hippocampus that, boasts of an efficiency coefficient of 1.00.

For the un-initiated, what that means is that women forget/do not remember/claim not to remember ‘things’ that happen in the recent, as in today or yesterday, shortly after the ‘thing’ happens.  Yet, they can tell you everything about all the things you did, in vivid detail, 10 years after it happened (THE CORTEX).  Never-mind, that such old ‘events’, and ‘things’, may actually never have happened. 

Even without an MD, or MBBS (Med School Diploma), I refute science’s claims about the highly developed and efficient female memory transfer organ – the hippocampus.  I believe the female hippocampus is a law unto itself, and has been programmed with several ‘coding bugs’ (come on BIG GUY, stop the outsourcing to Ukraine!) : (A) It has a flawed ‘translation’ engine, (B) Its Kalman-Filters are tuned for selective transmission frequencies, to reject all ‘noise’ that is not autogenic, and (C) Its Main Bus Cooling engines were installed with defective ball bearings, leading to frequent overheating, and occasional system shutdowns.  There, I have combined the knowledge base of Compute Sciences, Electrical and Mechanical Engineering.  How can one refute such a powerful source of reasoning?  To my friends from Chemical, Agricultural, Aeronautical, Telecommunications, Industrial, etc., Engineering disciplines – I never took any courses across your subjects, so you are on your own on this one.  You can, however, add to the merits of the overall Engineering argument by posting comments.

Truth-be-told however, Engineering is but a derivative of Physics – the basic science.  I did not want to touch upon Chemistry here because then I would have to delve into Organic Chemistry, and that would risk a lot of readers falling asleep.  And, I did not want to touch Mathematics, even with a 10 foot pole, since I am still trying to figure out Legendre and Bessel functions (J_1/2(x))? WTF?).  So, I turned to Physics to explain women. 

What I discovered is stunning – women break/violate most Laws of Physics, in all 3 – Newtonian, Quantum, and Relativistic worlds!  Being more than a fair person, I also decided to check upon some ‘Other-Laws’.  To my utter shock, and surprise, women seem to follow, and conform, to a lot of the Other-Laws. 

So, I present a list of my discoveries in Physics, and Non-Physics related laws, to date.  Since fundamental research is never truly finished, and since a man’s work is never truly done, I promise to add to this – based on further investigations, and by absorbing wisdom from all the like minded voices that may be compelled to post a response.  To add one final disclaimer – Cranky posts will not be considered by ‘Management’.  All those, based in reason, logic, and science will receive due consideration.

Laws of Physics that Do Not Apply to Women

[examples of violations are not provided for obvious reasons; quantum and relativistic citations are in process]

·         Newton’s FIRST Law

Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

·         Newton’s SECOND Law

The relationship between an object's mass ‘m’, its acceleration ‘a’, and the resulting force ‘F’  is F = ma.

·         Newton’s THIRD Law

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

[note to self, insert more here]

Laws of Non-Physics that Do Apply To Women

Murphy's Laws 

General / of Life

• If anything can go wrong, it will
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong
• If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
• If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
• Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
• Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
• Mother nature is a bitch

Murphy's Law of

Thermo-Dynamics: Things get worse under pressure.

Philosophy: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization: Everything goes wrong all at once.

Constants: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Research: Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.

Being Right: In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

Problem Solving: Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Getting Ready: Everything takes longer than you think.

Sequencing: Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Solutions: Every solution breeds new problems.

Buttering: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Gravity: A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.

Finding Things: It is never in the last place you look. It is in the first place you look, but never discovered on the first attempt.

Location: You have to look where you lost it.

Repeating: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

Management: When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Golden Rule: Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Winning Arguments: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Punishment: No good deed goes unpunished.

Un-Certainty Principle: The better you know the amount of ill luck that will strike you,
the worse you know when this will happen

Relativity: Regardless of your frame of reference, things will go wrong anyway.

Desire: If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.

Rock-Bottom: Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.

Remembering: Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.

Hope: When you see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in.

Choices: Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.

Murphy’s Laws: Knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation.

Transitions:  Things always go from bad to worse. 

Last Law: Cheer up, the worst is yet to come...

Great Speeches

Political Theater is ubiquitous and it is getting louder, and 'hotter', it seems, with each passing day.  Theater has a cast of characters, and this is ours:

An army of politicians, and their cohorts, of every conceivable stripe - the elected, the defeated, the retired, the convicted, the wannabes, the Elephants, the Donkeys, the Greens, the Tree Huggers, the Anarchists, the Separatists, the Neo-Cons, the Compassionate Conservatives, the White Supremacists, the Tea Leaves, the Libertarians, and the Independents.. One gets the point.

Brigades of men (and women) - the Henchmen, the Bogeymen, the Strawmen, and the Conmen, retained and compensated, at times, by dark and mysterious forces, roam the Capitol's steps, and hallways, currying favors, depositing campaign funds, trying to influence the 'debate', and bend policy, and ideology, driven law making to the benefit of their sponsors - Industry/Trade Associations, PACs, and the wizards sitting in 'Think Tank' Ivory Towers, and their likes.

The so called talking heads - anchors/journalists/reporters, and the Policy Pundits, the Social Savants, Economic Experts - regardless of being 'in-grace', 'fallen-from-grace', or 'dis-graced', appearing daily, and at times several times a day, on leading (?) networks like CNN, MSNBC, Fox, etc.  Amidst the din and clutter of 24x7 socio-politico-economic commentary, across such radio/television/cable/satellite/new media channels, anchors and their guests spin political ideologies, present selective and distorted statistics to rationalize their surreal claims, and elected officials dangle red-meat rhetoric as if we were prehistoric carnivores, unafraid to deploy bigoted demagoguery to manipulate mass sentiment and the appeal to the lowest common denominator of all - raw emotions.

Our National, and regional dailies, and their editorial pages.  Much of what passes as news, is in-fact opinion (just ask Rupert Murdoch).

And, last in line - 'We the People', who do not seems to matter anymore.

Most, if not all, of the noise is speech making.  Speeches can be the most effective rhetorical tool, or can embody the worst of human kind.  Listening to all of the escalating tempo, of late, tells me that our country, the United States of America, seems united only by our history.  The divide between people - neighbors, towns, counties, states, etc. is deep and quite caustic.  

I am yearning for some Great Speech-Making, some truly moving Speeches.  Yes, for rhetoric.  But of the kind that is based in reason, and tries to unite and move this country forward.  Short of that, I think we are stuck in this rut.  Short of that, we are in big trouble.

History is a great teacher.  Here are some truly Great Speeches.  I can use a few more.

#1.  Abraham Lincoln, 2nd Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865

Fellow-Countrymen:

At this second appearing to take the oath of the Presidential office there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement somewhat in detail of a course to be pursued seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself, and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.    

On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it, all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war—seeking to dissolve the Union and divide effects by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish, and the war came.

One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was somehow the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union even by war, while the Government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war the magnitude or the duration which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with or even before the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered. That of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes. "Woe unto the world because of offenses; for it must needs be that offenses come, but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh." If we shall suppose that American slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said "the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether."

With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.

Lesson in Linguistics and Corporate Communications

Grubby Sachs Inc.

GSI, a Surreal Stock Exchange Company

MEMO: GSI To Achieve new Heights in Corporate Communication Benchmarks

TO: All Employees
FROM: Executive Management & the Board of Directors
DATE: Today
SUBJECT: New Corporate Communication Standards

It was brought to Management’s attention, about four years ago, that individuals throughout the company were constantly using four, six, and eight-letter words during the course of normal, everyday conversation with other employees. Management received numerous complaints from our more sensitive employees, who were offended.  Management takes all such issues extremely seriously, and after exhaustive deliberations Management and GSI Board of Directors settled on a course of action – about three years ago, GSI retained the services of McKorrupt Inc., a Global Leader in ‘Corporate Strategic Advisory & Consulting Services’.

Under the careful and capable hands of McKorrupt’s Managing Partner, Mr. Rajat GoPata-RajaRathnam, a vast team of McKorrupt consultants have scoured every corner of GSI Inc., and McKorrupt’s vast network of corporations around the world, to study and evaluate this linguistic phenomena.  During the course of their investigations, GoPata-RajaRathnam and his lieutenant Mr. Anil Kumara-Korruptum have personally led workshops and interviews across the Boards.  At times, these interviews have been conducted telephonically, and at short notice.

About a year ago, GoPata-RajaRathnam presented his discoveries to the GSI Board.  After careful deliberations and evaluation, GSI Management & Board adopted resolution “Prosperity Forever” (PF).  This resolution authorizes the use of all legal, or borderline legal, and barely legal means to GSI’s and to ‘your’ prosperity.  Resolution PF amends and expands GSI resolution “Lets Get Rich” (LGT), circa 1890.  Specifically, resolution PF prohibits all words used in effective communication, regardless of letter count, that sound like F*&%^%$, Sh*#, As%, MotherF*&^%$, F#%*!^%Government, Insider%$#*&^!, etc.

Nevertheless Management realizes the critical needs of our employees being able to successfully express and convey views and information.  GSI is a knowledge based enterprise, and Information – of all kinds - is our lifeline. Therefore, and per the LGT resolution, as amended, Management hereby adopts the McKorrupt report in its entirety, effective immediately.  In addition, and to recognize the immense contributions of Gopata-RajaRathnam in furthering GSI’s cause, Management appoints GoPata-RajaRathnam to GSI Board, effective immediately.  As a recognition for his services, Kumara-Korruptum is appointed Senior Investment Advisor to GSI CEO.

Effective Immediately, the following phrases and expression will be replaced with their counterpart ‘Recommend Phrase’, per the McKorrupt report.  For a full listing of such phrases, and their corresponding translations please visit GSI intranet site //LGT.Amended.Into.PF.GSI

Management will no longer tolerate the old communication protocols.  Anyone employee found in violation of resolution PF will be subject to immediate termination.

Please read or post where appropriate. Employees are reminded to watch their mother*&%$^#@ mouths because all our calls are being RECORDED.

Old Expression = New Expression

No fucking way! = I'm certain that's not feasible

You've got to be shitting me = Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck  = Perhaps you should check with...

Ask me if I give a fuck = Of course I'm concerned.

It's not my fucking problem = I wasn't involved with that project.

What the fuck? = Interesting.

Fuck it, it won't work = I'm not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? = I'll try to schedule that.

When the fuck do you expect me to do this? = Perhaps I can work late.

Who the fuck gives a rats ass?  = Are you sure this is a problem?

He's get his head up his ass =  He's not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit! = You don't say.

Eat shit and die = Excuse me?

Eat shit and die motherfucker = Excuse me Sir/Madam?

What the fuck do they want from my life? = They weren't happy with it?

Kiss my ass = So you'd like my help with it?

Fuck it, I'm on a salary = I don't think you understand.

Shove it up your ass = I love a "challenge".

Who the fuck died and made you god? =  You want me to take care of this?

Blow me = I see.

Blow yourself = Do you see?

Go and fuck yourself = Why don't you try your hand at it.

Another fucking meeting? = Yes, we really should discuss this

I really don't give a shit = I don't think it will be a problem.

He's a fucking prick = He's somewhat insensitive.

She's a ball-breaking bitch = She's an aggressive go-getter.

You don't know what the fuck you're doing = I think you could use more training.

This place is all fucked up = We're a little disorganized.

Management Sucks! = Management is responsible for very important things

Time to Get the Fuck Outta Here! = I am considering alternative solutions

We need motherfucker with inside information! = Lets us Retain some consultants

You are Fucking breaking the Law! = Maybe there is a better way

Trading on Insider Information is Fucking Illegal! = I don’t wanna know, AND

My personal favorite:

We are Fucked! = Let us pay a fine, and settle this, or else We are Fucked!